


Home again

by vcdbtch



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Arthur is a cunt, Boys In Love, M/M, Mentions of Attempted Suicide, Merthur - Freeform, Sad Merlin (Merlin)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:35:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25125538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vcdbtch/pseuds/vcdbtch
Summary: Merlin is finally coming home again after 6 years. He's beyond excited to be back in his hometown and see his friends again, though there is one person he would rather not see.
Relationships: Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15





	Home again

It felt strange to be back in England after living in America for so long. Merlin thought for sure when he arrived it would be like coming into a new world, but to his amazement everything was the exact same as it was 6 years ago. The weather was still the same miserable rain as it always was, though that didn't stop the people who did their daily errands with no hesitation. Though the clear, sunny weather in Los Angeles was nice, coming back to his home town and being greeted with the homely miserable weather was refreshing. 

If Merlin was honest, life as an American wasn't all it was cracked up to be, he missed living in England. His family and friends were still living in his home town and he only ever saw them a few times every year. The only time he had an unscheduled visit is when his Uncle Gaius died, even then he left a few days later.

If he was honest, he only avoided coming back home so often because of his friends, or specifically, Arthur.

Arthur was his best friend since primary school. The two met through their mothers one day and became inseparable ever since. The two would go to each other's houses every afternoon after school and have sleepovers on weekends. The boys spent so much time together Arthur's mother set up their spare room for him, as did Merlin's mother. Somewhere during their last years of high school Merlin realised he thought of Arthur as more than a friend. He would get butterflies whenever Arthur made smiled or laughed and his knees would go weak when they hugged. 

After realising Merlin was in love with his best friend, it got increasingly difficult to be around him without doing something he'd regret. After the two graduated High school, Merlin finally decided to tell Arthur how he felt and to say it didn't go well is an understatement. Arthur slapped him in the face and called him every homophobic slur you could think of then broke their friendship off on the spot and left. Merlin was so distraught he just wanted to get away from it all so he hopped on the first flight to America and started a new life.

Life without Arthur seemed impossible at the beginning, Merlin would shut himself out from the world and cry himself to sleep. He got mixed with the wrong crowd and started to drink and smoke to relieve the pain which seemed to be the only thing to work. After a few months, Merlin started to realise that despite what he used to believe. he didn't need Arthur to be happy. He sobered himself up and began writing songs to keep his mind busy as he went through with drawls.

Merlin used the songs as a simple distraction up until one of his friends got him a gig playing at a local bar and since that day, he started playing at bigger events until he got an invite to play at a concert. Since then, he got a name for himself and started to gain thousands of followers on his social medias until the point where Paparazzi got involved. His friends would often call and brag about how he was on the news or on social media.

Since then, he's released some of his own songs and reached millions of followers. He still couldn't wrap his head around it all some days. He often thought about how this all started and it made him sad to think that his best friend betraying their promise was the thing that got him started, but he couldn't be happier with the results.

Now, Merlin's sitting in a rental car, drumming his fingers anxiously on the steering wheel as he waits for the light to turn green. He smiles brightly when he sees a mother with a young girl crossing the road. The little girl tugged on her sleeve and pulled her to the toy store across the street while the mother exhausted tried to keep all of her shopping bags in her arms. He slumps back in the seat and sighs when his mind skips to his own Mother. It has been almost two years since Merlin had seen her, or any of his friends for that matter. He desperately wanted to just pick everything up and move back home to England but he kept putting it off for the sole reason of seeing Arthur.

***

"Merlin!" His mother smiled widely and wrapped her son in a bone crushing hug. He smiled and nuzzled his head into her hair, taking in the fresh scent.

"i missed you" He smiled as he pulled away from the hug and looked into her eyes.

"i missed you, i haven't seen you in almost two years"

Merlin's smile faltered a bit as he looked down in shame. "I know, i'm sorry. I'm here now though"

Hunith smiled and pulled him inside, pushing him down on the couch and sitting down next to him. The two talked for hours about their lives and what they had accomplished. Merlin talked about his life in America, briefly mentioning his apartment that he adored. He talked about some friends he had made over the years and what they were like. He told her about his songs and how freeing it felt to be able to sing your feelings out. When Merlin finished talking about his life in America, his mother began talking about life in England. She told him everything from the neighbours moving out to her new job.

"You're friends have missed you"

Merlin smiled at the fact he still had friends after everything that happens. He never expected in a million years that his friends would stick by him even when he upped and left suddenly without an explanation. Of course, a few months after Merlin moved Arthur had broke down in tears and told them everything. They hated him for what he did to Merlin but they still stuck by him because they knew he was hurting too.

"I can't wait to see them"

"I know Arthur's been missing you too" Hunith smiled sadly.

Merlin wanted to laugh in her face at that. Hes the one who acted like a child and ruined their friendship over something that couldn't be controlled.

"yeah well, that's his problem" Merlin rolled his eyes.

"He still brings me flowers every year on my birthday"

Merlin scoffed but said nothing.

"I know you miss him too Hun, That's why i've invited him and Gwen for dinner"

"you what? Mum!"

"You two need to talk to each other" She smiled, "i know what he did was inexcusable and wrong but he regrets it. When you left he showed up my doorstep in tears because he ruined everything"

"Mum, i'm not ready to see him. You know what he almost made me do, i can't go back from that.

Hunith smiled sadly and looked down at her shoes. She hated talking about the weakest point in her son's life and what almost happened, but she knew it wasn't something you just forgot.

***

It was surprising how much effort he actually put into the dinner. He was totally against it at first and even considered slipping out the back door and going to his friend Morgana's house but he knew his Mother would be upset and he couldn't do that to her. Merlin and his mother had spent the entire afternoon catching up and talking about the dinner he barely realised it was beginning to get dark outside until his Mother shot up out of her seat and started rambling about how she had to make dinner.

Merlin went upstairs to his old bedroom and started to pick out what outfit he was going to wear. He wasn't completely sure why but he felt the need to make a good impression on Arthur and Gwen. He didn't want them to know how much he had suffered over the years and he wanted to seem strong in front of them. Though, he's not sure why he would even bother because pretty much the entire world knew the reason Merlin started his music career. Of course, they don't know the specific details but in interviews he stated that he fell in love with his best friend and it didn't go as expected.

After sitting on the floor, throwing clothes left and right for two hours he finally found an outfit that he was comfortable with. He chose a white t-shirt with black writing with a black long sleeve shirt underneath and black jeans to match. Upon realising something was missing, he ended up adding a small chain to the belt loop on his jeans.

His heart hammered in his chest when the doorbell rang and it suddenly hit him, he was about to see the man who broke his heart for the first time in 6 years. He took a deep breath and looked at himself in the mirror. He ran a hand through his black hair, suddenly finding it annoying how it was sitting in the wrong places.

He quickly jogged down the stairs, folding up the sleeves of his shirt to show his tattooed forearms as he did so. Though he wasn't sure why, it made him confident to show off his tattoos that covered a few scars here and there. Once he got to the bottom of the stairs he took a deep breath before he opened the door.

As soon as Merlin saw him, everything came flooding back. He looked the exact same as he did 6 years ago, still as beautiful as ever. He still had that soft blonde head of hair that brought out his breathtakingly blue eyes that Merlin loved the most about him. His shoulders were still strong and broad which seemed to frame his face nicely.

He swallowed thickly and turned to Gwen as a distraction because seeing him again was starting to hurt.

"Hello Merlin" Gwen smiled and wrapped her thin arms around his neck. He smiled and took in the familiar, homely scent of his friend that he could only describe as honey mixed with coconut. Being in her embrace and smelling her scent calmed him down so much he briefly forgot about the other presence in the room.

"Merlin" Arthur smiled awkwardly once Merlin turned to him. He wasn't exactly sure what to do in that moment, i mean what do you say to the man who broke you. He momentarily considered giving him a friendly hug but he realised it wouldn't be the wisest option, so he opted for a handshake.

"It's good to see you, Merlin" he said and Merlin saw his eyes travel over his body, stopping at his arms that were to his sides. Over the past 6 years, Merlin had somehow managed to forget about Arthur and push that part of his life deep down into the void inside him. Though it was hard, he managed to push the feelings down with the memories and move on. But now that he's less than a meter away from his former best friend who's gaze kept drifting all over his body, all of the feelings and memories came flooding back. They never actually left his mind though, he just pushed them down so deep he could only access them on random days of the year.

"it's good to see you too" Merlin swallowed thickly and turned around to see his Mother standing by the stairs with a smile on her face.

"why don't you show our guests inside?"

Merlin shot her a glare as he walked past her but she did nothing more than chuckle because she knew exactly what was going on in her sons mind. She saw Merlin's face when he saw Arthur for the first time in years and right away, she could see the love in his eyes. But she could also see that Arthur's reaction was similar, though his eyes were mainly begging for forgiveness.

***

Dinner was awkward to say the least. Merlin sat next to Gwen and his mother while Arthur sat across from him. He kept his head down for the most part, occasionally glancing up when his name was mentioned. He could feel Arthur's eyes burning through his skull but he refused to look up and meet his eyes because he knew if he did, he would be sure to break down into tears.

"So Merlin, tell us how you're life has been" Gwen spoke up as an attempt to break the uncomfortable silence that fell upon the room.

Merlin sighed a breath of relief at the distraction and situated his body to face her. "well once i moved to America i didn't really talk to anyone, i just kind of stayed in my apartment all day until i started to make friends. After a while i started to write music as a distraction but it turned into more when my friend Jake got me a gig at a bar"

"So you're friend was the one who started it all huh?" Gwen smiled

Merlin smiled and nodded in response. He could feel Arthur's eyes burning a hole through the side of his head and he briefly glanced over at him to see him staring back with an indescribable expression. His face was completely straight, like he was frozen in time. Though, his eyes said a thousand words. Merlin could see the hurt in his eyes whenever he averted his gaze and when their eyes did meet, he could see the desperation.

"and how does it feel to be famous?"

Merlin chuckled softly and darted his eyes between Arthur, his mother and Gwen. Even though he had millions of followers on social medias and constantly had paparazzi following him, he still didn't consider himself famous. He's a normal person after all, he just got lucky.

"i'm not famous Gwen" Merlin smiled, "but seriously? it sucks"

"Why?" Arthur said hesitantly, like he wasn't sure if he could speak.

Merlin cleared his throat and shifted in his seat so he was facing Arthur more but still tried to avert his eyes anywhere but his face, " there's constantly cameras everywhere, capturing every little thing i do. I went to get petrol three days ago and they took photos of me. I'm constantly feeling like i'm being watched which is why i barely leave the house anymore"

"That sounds so invasive" Gwen smiled sadly.

"it's alright, they capture the important moments too"

After Merlin finished talking more about his life in America the group fell into another uncomfortable silence. The only sounds that could be heard were constant metal scraping against metal, making Merlin's ears ring. If someone didn't speak up soon or stop the scraping, he was going to go to his room.

"Merlin, do you want to tell them the good news?" Hunith spoke up.

"Oh right!" Merlin smiled, "i'm moving back here"

As soon as Merlin announced he was moving back, Arthur's face lit up. He had missed the days where he and Merlin would spend every waking moment around each other. The day he found out Merlin had moved to America without so much as a goodbye was easily the second worst day of his life, the worst being the day he broke their friendship off. The thought of Merlin being alone in a new country and not with him sent daggers into his heart. He regretted everything he did the day Merlin confessed his love for him everyday for 6 years. He had no idea what came over him, he just felt so angry and hurt for no apparent reason and blamed Merlin. Of course, a few years later Arthur finally worked out why he was so upset over his friend having feelings for him. It was because he had feelings too and he didn't want to admit it to himself so he took it out on Merlin. It took the biggest bond of his life to be broken and his best friend to move to a different country for him to finally realise it and when he did, it was too late.

"This is Amazing" Gwen squealed and wrapped her arms around Merlin's neck.

"It will be great to have you back, Merlin" Arthur smiled fondly.

Merlin quickly nodded in response and darted his eyes over to his mother who was bustling around in the kitchen.

***

Dinner lasted so long that before anyone knew it, it was almost 10pm. Arthur and Gwen announced they had to leave pretty much as soon as dinner was done but Merlin didn't mind. Okay, it's not that he wanted his friends to leave it was just being such in a close proximity to Arthur was starting to make his chest tighten.

"Merlin, can we talk?" Arthur asked quietly.

Merlin swallowed thickly and nodded, gesturing for Arthur to walk outside to the front porch. He desperately looked behind him for help but his mother and Gwen were talking and didn't realise the two were leaving.

Once the two were outside Merlin gestured for Arthur to sit on the swing while he lent against the door. Arthur pursed his lips together and quietly sat down on the swing, using his feet to swing it back and forth slightly as he looked up at Merlin. Both men weren't exactly sure what to say or do, both kept their gazes away from each other while they waited for something to happen. While Merlin had his gaze in front of him, Arthur took the time to take in his friends appearance. His usual shaggy black hair was more styled into tight curls that bobbed over his forehead which seemed to bring out his breathtakingly blue eyes out even more. His small and thin frame seemed to have toned up over the years but he was still as skinny and fragile as ever, just with more muscle. His once soft skin white skin on his arms were now almost fully covered with various tattoos and Arthur found himself wanting to study each and every one.

After what seemed like an eternity of uncomfortable silence, Merlin decided he had put it off long enough and decided to start a conversation, though he didn't know what to say.

"So, you wanted to talk? Well, talk" 

Arthur cleared his throat and tried to come up with the right words. He's been waiting 6 years to see Merlin and over time he has come up with a speech. "Let me just start off by saying i'm so incredibly sorry for what i put you through, you didn't deserve any of it"  
  
Merlin chuckled sarcastically in response and lent against the wall, "yeah"  
  
"i know sorry isn't ever going to be enough but i don't know what else to say" Arthur said, "but i think i know why i did it"  
  
"Merlin, you were my best friend since primary school and we spent every waking moment in each other's company. When you confessed your feelings to me something inside me snapped and i got angry. Though i didn't know why at the time, i do now. When i found out you left without saying goodbye i felt like i was drowning and you were the only thing that could save me. I so desperately wanted to get on the first flight to the US and explain myself in hopes that you could forgive me and we could be friends but i couldn't move, i was frozen. A few months after you left something snapped inside of me and i finally realised why i was so upset, it's because i was in love with you too"  
  
Merlin's breath hitched in his throat as he looked at the man he once loved, the man who broke his heart, the man who almost caused his death. He opened his mouth to say something, anything, but all that came out was air.

"Let me finish please" Arthur said before he continued.

"The first few months without you were unbearable, it felt like i lost a part of me and in a way i did. You always made me so happy even when i didn't want to be, you made me smile when i didn't want to. You were always there for me whenever i needed you and i wasn't there when you needed me. One day Gwen called me out of the blue and told me that you were on the news because if your music and i was so proud of you. From there on, i started following all of your social medias just to see your face again. I would watch your interviews and concerts on the news and listen to your songs to make me feel better. I was so incredibly proud of you for making a name for yourself and moving on with your life, even if it felt like i couldn't do the same"  
  
"The day Gwen showed up at my doorstep in tears and told me you were in the hospital for an overdose it felt like my heart would snap in half. After finding out what hospital you were in i immediately got on the first plane and went to America. The minute the plane landed i was in a cab and the next thing i remember i was at the hospital. As soon as i saw your fragile body lying on the hospital bed with tubes and needles surrounding you i broke. I sat by your side all day everyday, holding your hand and talking to you until you woke up 2 weeks later. The minute you woke up i was so happy, but then i realised you wouldn't want to see me so i left."

"y-you were at the hospital?" Merlin gaped at him.

"of course i was, You're my best friend Merlin" Arthur smiled.

Merlin had no idea what to say, he just stood against the wall and stared at his friends with tears in his eyes. The past 6 years of his life was spent forgetting about the most important person in his life and now here he is, telling him how much he loves him. Merlin didn't even want Arthur to know he was in the hospital because despite how much he hated him, he didn't want him to think it was his fault when it wasn't. 

"Merlin, say something" Arthur whispered as he stood up and slowly walked over to the other who was still frozen.

"i-" Merlin trailed off. "i don't know what i'm supposed to say, Arthur"  
  
"You don't have to say anything, i just wanted you to know"

"i need time to think, i'm sorry" Merlin croaked out before he stumbled backwards and ran back inside. He ran past his mother and Gwen who seemed to be listening in on their conversation and flopped down onto his bed and sobbed into his pillow.

He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do now. He had managed to push all of the memories and feelings deep down inside himself and move on but the minute he saw Arthur, it all came back. Now, knowing that Arthur felt the same way made his heart flutter and all he wanted to do was be in his arms but something was stopping him. Each time he thought about forgiving Arthur, the day he slapped him and called him homophobic slurs flashed in his head and he would suddenly get angry again.

***

It was a few days later that Merlin decided to text Gwen and get Arthur's number. The two decided to go to Arthur's apartment to talk. He normally would have suggested somewhere public so the two wouldn't be alone together but he figured the paparazzi would be on their backs and things could get out of hand.

Now, Merlin was anxiously standing outside Arthur's apartment door trying to decide if he should knock or not. Fortunately for him, the decision was made when Arthur opened the door.

"hi" Arthur breathed out.

"hello" Merlin smiled awkwardly and lingered in the doorway, waiting for a sign on what their next move should be. After a few seconds of awkward silence Arthur snapped out of whatever trance he was in and moved aside so Merlin could come inside.

"So, i guess i'll just get straight to the point" Merlin said.

"i thought about everything you said and i realised i never truly forgot you, no matter how hard i tried. I never truly hated you even if i convinced myself i did and i never truly stopped loving you"  
  
"really?" Arthur grinned.

"yeah, i mean i'll need time but i would like to be friends again if you would like" Merlin smiled slightly.

"of course" Arthur chuckled and without thinking stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Merlin's shoulders. His eyes widened when he realised what he was doing and he was just about to pull away and apologise when he felt Merlin's arms wrap around his waist.Being back in eachothers arms again after so long made them both incredibly happy. It was like nothing even happened between them in the first place and they were still the best of friends.

**I kinda ended it weird but i didnt want to make it so they kissed right away if you get what i mean**


End file.
